Nausea

Trigger warning: Sexual Abuse

I was eleven years old when the world that I had known and understood for so long had turned upside down. I was terrified to tell the truth but I knew that if I didn’t nothing would change.

You see from the outside looking in my mom and stepdad and I were a typical kodak family. We went to Church. They both worked very hard and I was on the honor roll at school. However, I was carrying a very deep and shameful secret. I was being sexually abused by my stepfather. Being threatened and controlled by someone who had everybody fooled I was terrified that I would not be believed, and the constant thoughts that what had happened to me was my fault and that I was in some way culpable was also something that I was battling with. I was an eleven-year-old kid, but I knew if I did not tell the truth I was never going to be free and I was going to continue to suffocate inside.

I remember the day telling my mother the truth and as I shared what had happened the feeling of nausea rose up in me. However, I could not throw up. She believed me. I remember for the rest of the day everything was a blur. He left. Two days later I was told that I had to tell the cops what had happened to me. I thought all I had to do was say something once and I did not know I would have to go into detail. One cop showed up and I told her everything that I had gone through. Following this a male cop showed up and I then had to tell everything again and he wrote down what I said. Within the next several days I was required to tell this story over and over again to social workers, doctors, and psychologists. I had a very intrusive medical exam and all the while internally I was nauseous. I found it hard to eat anything. Sleeping became next to impossible.

I went through all of this only for the man who abused to me to flee the country and to this day I have no idea where he is.

In going through all of this for the next two years I was visited by various social workers at school. I was required to go to therapy by the court system for almost 2 years following all of this. Yet the feeling of nausea never left. The feelings of resentment and anger that I had were enormous. I was carrying so much as a child I did not know what all to make of everything. As someone who reported what happened and went through the system that I believe did its best to help me, I must say that I can understand why so many individuals do not report or have fear to report and here are some reasons why I understand.

The fear of not being believed even by family members is very real and present because unfortunately a lot of the time  those who are abused are abused by people they know and the majority of the time those individuals that they know are family.

The fear of going forward in the system and being retraumatized and re-victimized over and over again by the system is real and I can say that while the system meant well in trying to help me that’s exactly what it did. In the long run while it tried to help me it hurt me in the process.

The shame one feels is immense and there is often very little done to express effectively to those who are the victims that what has happened to them is not a fault of their own and they have nothing to be ashamed of.

Following this experience as a child there were some instances where unfortunately I was taken advantage of and I chose not to report these experiences for a few reasons. The system communicated to me that what occurred when I was younger was complicated and I was put through a traumatizing experience of having to recount what happened in detail over and over again and the result was that justice never occurred for me at the hands of the American legal system, my abuser was not caught. I felt like following this there was no point in reporting only coping on my own with some very destructive activities.

I’m not there anymore. I’m in a place now where I’m living my life to the best of my ability. I am a survivor and I appeal to God for justice that I cannot achieve on my own. My experience and the evil that occurred in my life does not define me.

The reason I decided to disclose this is because it’s the truth and it is my story. Perhaps by doing this I will make room for countless others to express and share their stories. I have no ulterior motive. I simply want to create space for others to be vulnerable and maybe just maybe the faint feeling of nausea that has never left me since that day will finally leave me. Maybe reforms in the justice system will occur and we can band together so that there will be true justice for all.

May the God of Justice who sees you and me bless each and everyone of you with the riches of his grace and Serenity.

Amen.

The Accuser or the One who Affirms?

I’ve grown up in the Christian faith. One could say almost accurately that I was born in the Church. From the time I drew my first breaths into the world not much longer after that My mom was holding me in Church. Liberty Tabernacle and it was pastored by my Godparents Pastor David and Sister Mona, and Sister Dee, My Godmother’s mother led worship on Sunday morning. From a young age I encountered the Holy Spirit’s touch as She (Greek word for the Holy Spirit is feminine) moved through the church. I was scared out of my wits one Sunday evening when my mother started dancing around the church and I had no idea what was happening, however as I grew up that was just another thing I became aware of. I remember songs being sung and the feeling of the Spirit of God drawing my to the embrace of the Father. The voice of the One who Affirms said, “Come to me beloved child.”

That feeling however I drew back from because I didn’t think I was worthy of the Love of the Father. I grew up in a house without a father present in my life physically for the first 9 years and that was glaringly obvious. I didn’t think I deserved the love of my heavenly Father because my Earthly one abandoned me and “surely there must have been something wrong with me for him to leave.” The voice of the Accuser inside of my head told me.

When I was 8 years old I remember hearing the Gospel being told to me in Sunday School but from my perspective I was terrified because for the first time I heard about Hell and how my sins would send me there and how if I just prayed a prayer I would be saved. I said a prayer but I didn’t believe fully because I just did not want to go to Hell. I didn’t understand.

As time progressed over the next few years the voice of the Accuser in my life grew louder than the voice of the Affirmer. I was abused by a man who said he was going to be my father, the voice of the Accuser “You deserved the abuse. It was all your fault.” rang loud in my mind. The voice of the Affirmer was screaming “This is not your fault. I never wanted this to happen to you!” was there but I just couldn’t hear it. The voice of the Accuser, “You can never trust a Heavenly Father, look what your earthly ones have done!” I could hear but I could not hear the voice of Abba my Affirmer “I love you and I would never harm you.” was a voice I struggled to hear.

Even after I became a Christian while I could hear the voice of my Affirmer, the voice of the Accuser would try to sneak it’s way in. “God can’t really use you because you battle depression.” “God can’t use you because you have an addiction to porn.” “God can’t use you because you’re gay.” “God can’t use you because you are broken and damaged and too afraid to get up and speak in front of people.” “God can’t use you because you’re too fat” “God can’t be calling you to lead in ministry because you are a woman.” These were lies I heard in my head. I listened to the Accuser and those who were the voice of the accuser in my life for a long time.Even at times I became my own accuser because I thought that surely God can’t use me because I was too unworthy of his love and call.

There was however the voice of the one who Affirms that shouted and said.

“I can use you because you are willing.” “I can use you because you are my beloved daughter.” “I call you worthy because I have made you worthy.” “You are whole and restored.” “I can use you because I make all things work together for your good.” “I can and I will use you.”

My question to each one of you is simple.

How often do you keep listening to the Accuser when you should be listening to the Affirmer?

How often are you the voice of the Accuser rather than the voice of the Affirmer?

Let us examine ourselves to see which voice or voices do we listen to who increase the shame in our lives and cause us to hold one another in contempt. Perhaps we should cut those voices out.

Let us seek to listen to the Voice and those who embody the Voice of one who affirms and validates our lives, our callings, and propels us to love one another and encourage us to do good for one another.

 

May the God who sees you and me pour out the richest of blessings upon us all

Amen.

A Different Perspective on Ash Wednesday

As a Christian I grew up in a very non-liturgical setting in church. Lent was something that was never discussed and Ash Wednesday was something I was not aware of until I was in High School and I met my friend Stephanie on the bus to school and she shared with me that she too was a Christian, she was just Catholic. She put up with my incessant questions of how her faith and mine were different.

I asked her some questions that were probably offensive because I did not understand Catholicism, I only knew what I had heard from various people that Catholics were not really Christians and that they worshiped Mary and the saints and they could not pray directly to God. Of course she was very gracious toward me and humored my questions as best she could on our way to and from school. We spoke of many things but the topic of Catholicism and why they did what they did came up frequently because I was naturally curious.

In my Junior year of High School I made the decision to participate in Lent in a very eclectic effort with my Sunday morning bible Study group. We all were committed to taking part in The Daniel’s Fast during Lent. The Daniel’s fast was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I failed miserably halfway through and I ate all of the things I was not supposed to eat during that time and I felt awful that I could not last and just participate in this fast.

For the next few years following that I made the conscious effort to give up something for Lent and my Sophomore year I gave up energy drinks and soda for Lent. I felt great. I was doing so well but once Lent was over I went right back to consuming everything that was horrible for me to drink.

It was during my Junior year that I joined Wingate Baptist Church and while this church is very baptist in its worship it was also very liturgical in many ways so when Ash Wednesday came around or all of the various holy week services the church participated in them and that was special. I reached a very new sense of Lent and Holy Week and what it was really about and that was surrender, and preparation to celebrate the greatest gift all of humanity was given and that was the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. A Risen King. But Lent is the season of pausing and reflection, of solemness and silence for in many Churches the word “Hallelujah” is removed from the mass, or Sunday service and is not sung or spoken until Easter Sunday, the day of singing and celebration.

I want to offer a bit of a different perspective on Ash Wednesday because while it is the day that we affirm our humanity and the certainty that one day we all will die and shove off this mortal body that will decay and turn to dust and ashes, I look at this day with joy instead of solemness.

I rejoice that I am human and I have a God who cares deeply for my soul. I rejoice that while I fall short often there is grace when I stumble. I rejoice that I serve a Risen Savior and Lord who is not dead but alive.

The Lord is not calling us to give up menial things like Chocolate and Social Media for 40 days of Surrender, although giving sweets or trivial things up for a period of time is good for cleansing the soul. The Lord is calling us to life long Surrender not just for 40 days but for the rest of our lives and it’s a glorious life to step into.

I rejoice at Ash Wednesday because it is inevitable that this mortal body of mine will die, but my Soul is forever secure in the arms of my Savior. I rejoice because of the Marvelous Grace of my loving Lord. And I sing “Hallelujah! Christ has come! Christ has been crucified! Christ has died! Christ is Risen! Christ will come Again!” I am only Dust and Ashes with a soul, and my life has been forever changed by the fact that I don’t end at dust and ashes, and neither did Christ, but surely as He died so has He risen and given life that is fulfilling and meaningful in the midst of a temporary world.

I am a Soul that has a body that will return to dust and ashes and that is true. My body will die but the soul never will and that is the beauty of this day. I am powerless to change the certainty of the fact that life will end. But the beauty of that is that my soul rests in the hands of a God who protects me, cares for me, and loves me.

Ash Wednesday is not depressing or solemn for me, it’s a day of rejoicing that because of surrender I am safe in the arms of a strong and mighty God.

May the God who sees you and me give you peace and may He bless you richly

Blessings,

Angie

Searching… You’ve Already Found Me

This poem reflects the season I’m in right now spiritually. May you find encouragement, and thank you for letting me be real.

“Searching…You’ve Already Found Me”
by: Angie Littlefair

I lift up my eyes
To the vast sky
You created every star
You know how many they are
You know when a wave crashes
When a rock smashes
When the sun rises
When it demises
God You know all
Please hear my call
You know my heart
Wonders where You are
My mind aches
To the point of bodily pain
Longing for You
When You’ve escaped my view
This storm relentless
I wait with patience
To be delivered
Like a rushing river
Breaking the walls
Of anxiety, of depression, of it all
Set me free
To where I can just be
In Your arms
Safe from harm
I know You’re here
Your word makes that clear
You will never leave
You are always with me
But sometimes I feel so alone
And my flesh aches to know
That You are here
That You are here
Set me at peace
Remind me
Of You’re unfailing love
You’re not just above
You are right here
Whisper in my ear

“I love you, you are My Child
My love and affection for you is wild
There is no denying who You are
I formed you from my very heart
You are My Beloved, My delight
I sing over You, You are a beautiful Light
And You shine it through Your whole life.
You are free, you are released, I am with you,
My promises are true. Oh how I love thee,
That you shine perfectly for Me.”

May I hear Your voice
And be filled with joy
In my searching
May You remind me
You’ve already found me
And I am never ever alone.

Thank you for reading,
May the God who sees you and me bless you richly with His unending love and Grace, In the Name of Jesus, Amen.

I Can No Longer Be Silent…

What I have to say may or may not come as a shock to most of you. The story that I am about to divulge is one that I write with anxiety but also anticipation, because as someone who struggles with claustrophobia being in confined spaces makes me feel like I’m going to die by being suffocated. I’ve been confining myself to a box for too long., or better yet a closet.

I’m Gay, or rather the societal term for a homosexual female is: Lesbian.

I’m choosing to come out in order to be authentic and tell the truth. My reason for coming out now is because I need to be honest and authentic. I understand that people have varied beliefs on this matter so let me be clear.

I am a Child of God above all else. I am a Christian and I love Jesus Christ. He is the Lord of my life. I am at peace about who I am. IF you disagree with me but do so lovingly then that is your place. If you disagree but are choosing to disagree and have a hateful attitude toward me or my life please do me a favor and unfriend me or unfollow my blog.

If you have been in support of me from day one or you are in support of me now I am forever grateful to you.

I also write this because I know what it’s like to feel like you have nowhere to turn to. Know that when I told my family they did not respond positively and as an adult I had to make it on my own and if it were not for the kindness of friends and strangers I would not be where I am right now. Things are getting better with my family more peacefully overtime but know that if not for kind friends and strangers I may have been without a place to live, food to eat, or a way to attend the school I now attend by the Grace of God. I write these things not in any malice toward my family so please do not fault them, or try to contact them, this is my story.

I know what it’s like to be called less than human because of a part of who I am, I know what it’s like to have my Salvation before God questioned by people who mean well. I know what it’s like to be told that I should not be in ministry pursuing the call God has on my life because of my sexual orientation. I know what it’s like to be despairing at my life because all I wanted to do was “be normal” because something I could not change would “send me to hell” or was an “abomination before God.”

I’m at a place in my life right now where I’m trying to focus on pursuing God and the joy that it brings me to serve Him to glorify His name. As to my future I know God has me in mind and He will order my every step including in matters of whether or not to have a relationship or remain single for His Kingdom. I would rather be honest with my life above all else and worship God in Spirit and in Truth.

I know when God sees me, He sees His creation, His daughter, and I am beloved of Him.

For those who lent your aid to me when I needed a place to stay, food to eat, a vehicle to drive, a job for the Summer, Financial assistance for books for my first semester, and a lot of love of support from so many people who loved and prayed for me this year THANK YOU. I am so grateful for you, for every single one of you.

May The God Who Sees You and Me pour out His blessings upon you.

Angie

God Has Not Forgotten You

On this Wednesday afternoon I sit here just amazed at the goodness of God and a word in my heart that I’d like to share with you all. In order to do so first let me reflect on a moment a few years ago in my life.

On my second Mission trip to Camp AN, some almost 20 miles off the coast of Emonnak, Alaska this particular trip I witnessed the Spirit of God move in a number of ways amongst kids and teens but my first week there was so powerful me and touched me greatly because God opened my eyes just as to how much he was going to use me to bless others. We did a lot of songs with the kids teaching them motions to go with them and the song that the kids seemed to love the most was “I am Not Forgotten” by: Israel & New Breed. When this song came on, The kids would light up. The declaration that God does not forget his children but He not only remembers them but He knows their name.

Fast forward to this year and my missions trip experience to Titayen, Haiti and there were key elements of the trip, but one that stands out to me was a little girl who clung to me when we went into the village to spend time with the children and play games with them, this girl clung to me and she understood a little English and I spoke a little bit of Creole. But I held her and she smiled and I immediately fell in love with her. I felt in my spirit the Holy Spirit compelling me to sing the chorus of “I am not forgotten” and the next thing I know this beautiful little girl gets all excited as I’m carrying her on my back and I was bouncing and she was singing it with me and so happy and excited and in that moment I almost cried. She got excited at the part of the song that stated “God knows my name” It was a beautiful Holy Moment shared among 2 people from different worlds but a connection to a Heavenly Father that He loves us and has not forgotten us no matter where we are.

In Genesis 16 I am sure Hagar felt cast off and forgotten by this mysterious God that Abraham and Sarah claimed to serve and then in the name of God force her to sleep with Abraham so that they could have their heir. I believe she felt like her only choice was to run because God favored the woman who was being harsh to her and the man who did nothing but listen to his wife’s suggestion, and she hurt and broken and pregnant runs believing that she’s forgotten by this God. She has no place in His heart and it would be better to run into the desert and die.

God in His grace meets Hagar where she is and gives her a promise of who her Son would be (First woman recorded in scripture to have an encounter with The Angel of the Lord). She is sustained. God meets her at a well and God lets her know that He has not forgotten her, that He has a plan for her and for her son, that He has heard her. He knows her name, He has not forgotten her and He indeed loved her.

Hagar names the place she met The Angel of the Lord, Beer-lahai-roi for “The Living God has seen me.” She asks herself “Have I truly seen the One who sees me?

God sees you and he sees me, nothing is hidden from Him. He is the God who sees and instead of such a concept frightening you, I encourage you to find comfort in that because he loves you and He wants your best because He is such a good God. Take courage that He sees you, that He knows you, and that He will bless you.

May the God who sees you and me pour out His richest blessings upon you.

The Grace of the Holy Spirit. The cleansing of the Tongue

Tonight I listened to a sermon from Hope Community Church in Winston-Salem and Bishop Corletta J. Vaughn was a guest speaker for their 25 days of worship in order to celebrate 25 years of ministry as a Church.

Her sermon was so powerful. As a person who grew up around the Pentecostal exposure to the power of the Holy Spirit I had moments where I literally wanted to dance because her Word was directly from the Holy Spirit.

She preached through Isaiah 6; James 3 and many other texts surrounding the power of the tongue and it’s role in our lives. She talked about how God wants more than just the initial commitment of our hearts but He wants our  tongues.

She talked about the power of words and how words have an eternal imprint. That they really are so important that they can make or break us. They can make or break a community, they can make or break and even burn a ministry.

The Lord wants to do something in the nation I really believe that and I believe He’s going to start with an outpouring of the Holy Spirit in a way that this nation has never seen before. He going to pour it out and He’s going to start with a very important part of us as believers. He’s going to start with our tongues.

As she preached she talked about The Day of Pentecost in relation to Isaiah 6 and her insight by the work of the Holy Spirit blew my mind.

I by the grace of God received the baptism of the Holy Spirit by speaking in tongues when I was 15 years old. As a person growing up as I did, the laying on of hands, prophetic words, and speaking in tongues is nothing I’m new to and nothing that scares me. I feel at home when I hear words spoken about the Holy Spirit. Being at a Baptist School which I love makes it hard to broach this subject at times just because that in and of itself scares people. But what she (Bishop Corletta J. Vaughn) points about about tongues is poignant. I’ve heard from my life early as a believer that the Baptism of the Holy Spirit manifests itself with the “Evidence of Speaking in tongues” I’ve heard this more times than I can count and I believe it, but it’s more than just evidence.

She pointed out from Isaiah 6 that before Isaiah could go and proclaim the Word of God by prophesying his tongue needed to be cleansed by fire. When the Apostles received the Holy Spirit at Pentecost cloven tongues of fire were above their heads and that’s not a coincidence. By a flaming coal was Isaiah’s tongue cleansed to speak the word of God. By a flaming tongue so the Apostles and we here and now after as we speak in tongues our tongues are being purified. As our tongue is purified so is our hearts purified for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. Our tongue can set our whole beings on fire with the very flames of Hell or with the Fire of God. God offers the Gift of the Holy Spirit through speaking in tongues but many believers are so afraid of this or write it off as something for the past that we no longer need. Her teaching of the tongue being cleansed by the power of the Holy Spirit as a part of sanctification is beautiful. It’s incredible.

Do you need tongues to be saved? No.

Is it beneficial to do doing the powerful work of God. I believe so.

I ask before you write me off as a crazy Holy Roller to pray about this, ask God to cleanse your tongue, ask God to show himself to you in regard to speaking in tongues and I believe you will be amazed. Prayerfully consider this and the power of your tongue and how it can be cleansed.

May The God who sees you and me pour out His love and blessings upon you

Peace,

Angie

What are You Willing to Do?

https://www.facebook.com/notes/angie-littlefair/what-are-you-willing-to-do/10152776897943154

Grave Clothes and Chains

John 11:38-44

³⁸ Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb. It was a cave with a stone laid across the entrance. ³⁹ “Take away the stone,” he said.

“But, Lord,” said Martha, the sister of the dead man, “by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days.”

⁴⁰ Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?”

⁴¹ So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. ⁴² I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me.”

⁴³ When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!”⁴⁴ The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face.

Jesus said to them, “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.”

Psalm 107:14

He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness, and broke away their chains.

Isaiah 61:1-3

1 The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,  because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, ² to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, 3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor.

Today has been an amazing day filled with the Holy Spirit’s inspiration as well as an awakening of sorts to a message that the Lord gave me about a year and a half ago. My friend Lexy was there the night that I first received this message from the Holy Spirit about “Taking off the grave clothes” her and I were talking about life and God and so many things that friends in Christ like to talk about and the Holy Spirit just gave me the message about what it means to be raised to life from the grave and what it means to be raised to life in Christ and what it means to walk in freedom and the first step in walking out that freedom is to take off the grave clothes. Bear with me for a moment as I share this message.

Lazarus represents us in a lot of ways in the sense of that being raised to life and what it means to be born again from death to life in Christ. When we are raised to life in Christ we have to let Jesus break off our clothes of death so that we can walk in the freedom and new life that He has called us to walk in. Jesus wanted Lazarus to be freed and let go so he could walk in freedom, in the same way He wants us to be free from our clothes of death of our former lives before Him so that we can bring Him glory and honor to Him and walk in true freedom. However what I was convicted of today in my heart is how many people have their grave clothes loosened by Christ but they still wear the clothes of death of their former lives before Christ. They still walk around as if their identity is not in Christ but in the former things of the past and they still wear those clothes.

In addressing the next scripture I posted, it has to do with God breaking chains. in the same way that Christ came to give us freedom from the clothes of death that once bound us and kept us in the grave so He has come to break the chains of the things that once bound us up. Jesus breaks chains and He has broken every chain by what He did on the cross and He can and still does break chains today, however in the same way that there are people still adorning themselves in their clothes of death so people are adorning themselves with the chains of their past as if they are still bound by the chains. It’s as if their identities of the former things in the flesh are so connected to them that the idea of freedom is not truly realized.

Jesus came to set the captives free and like it says in Isaiah Christ came to do just that and He did and as a result He bestows upon each of His children a crown of beauty and a garment of praise, He calls us righteous and planted like oaks to display the splendor of God. How then can we do that unless we totally surrender our grave clothes and chains, the ashes of our former lives totally surrendered to Him to receive the name of “Righteous” “Child of God” “Beautiful” and “Set free”? We can’t unless we do just that. What Christ has to offer in Him and His freedom is so much greater. He offers clothes of righteousness and purity, clothes of freedom and when we fill ourselves daily with His Holy Spirit we operate in complete freedom and liberty because where the Spirit of the Lord is there is liberty and freedom.

As a person who speaks from experience here I was at that place once where I walked around with the clothes of my former identity still on and the chains of my identity as a cutter who was always going to be depressed. But Jesus set me free of that identity and He gave me a new identity in calling me a child of God. He brought me out of my dark place of death and the grave and I gave Him my grave clothes and chains and I walk in the freedom of His Holy Spirit and as a result what Christ does in and through me is beautiful. So has he freed you? He already has by what He did on the cross for you, your choice and call is to walk in that freedom that HE has already given you, He’s called you out of that darkness and into His light, He has even loosened your grave clothes and broken your chains, your call is to take the clothes off and to let the chains fall off and clothe yourself in the identity that Christ has given you.

Just my insight for the day. Just what I believe the Lord was laying on my heart.

May the God who sees you and me bless you with His Spirit of Grace and peace and complete freedom,

Amen

What’s In your House?

Luke 11:24-26

²⁴ “When the unclean spirit has gone out of a person, it passes through waterless places seeking rest, and finding none it says, ‘I will return to my house from which I came.’ ²⁵ And when it comes, it finds the house swept and put in order. ²⁶ Then it goes and brings seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they enter and dwell there. And the last state of that person is worse than the first.”

This past summer working for the ministry that I was working for in Boone called for me to preview many different houses that were in some pretty poor conditions. There is one house that stands out from all the rest of them that I could never really get out of my mind. Outwardly it was a very nice brick house in a very nice part of Boone. It belonged to a lady who had status in the community for a long time because of her family. She was very proud of where she came from and such a private person it was a shock to my boss that she was letting us come and see the place. The house outwardly had gutters completely dismantled and halfway hanging off of the house. The porch was cracking and the steps to get on it were unstable, the facia boards on the house were rotting and molded and weathered. When we walked in the house however it was nothing like I had ever seen before. There was trash everywhere, it was hard to breathe and hard to walk through to get to her room. The woman made up so many excuses as to why she lived in a place like this, why she let it go, and all the while I was trying to keep myself from becoming visibly physically ill. She was a shut in, and she didn’t talk to anyone, and her level of pride was so high I found it hard to feel even pity for the woman. I really hope that she’s okay. We were not able to do anything for her house because it was a health hazard and we had to leave it up to DSS to get involved. My reason for describing this house is that the images never left my mind, it has left a blazoned image in my mind.

And today while talking to my mentor in ministry at lunch as she was inquiring about some of the places we did work on, this house came back up in the conversation and I began thinking about what we hoard in our own lives, in our spiritual lives and hearts to fill the empty holes so to speak.  I notice that a lot of people in churches today walk around feeling empty. These are people who have been saved and their lives, their spiritual houses are clean because of them choosing to accept Christ into their lives. However, the emptiness that was once occupied by junk and various sins has not been filled with the Holy Spirit. And because those places have not been filled with the Spirit, my brothers and sisters and even myself have gone back to those empty wells to fill something that can only be filled with the Holy Spirit. This note is not to say that those who are save will be possessed or can be possessed by any evil demons, but that does not mean that one cannot be tempted by the enemy when one’s life is not filled with the Spirit of God completely, and the more one gives into temptation the more it can lead to sin and one’s life begin to be filled up with junk again and the Spirit of God is quenched and not welcomed into one’s life it can leave that individual sick, and that’s when one really needs help.

I write this not to judge or condemn anyone, because I’ve been there, I’ve gotten to a place of despair and darkness but tried to cover it all up like I was a brick house holding in a lot of junk, and not wanting anyone to come in, but when I let God into the house, He was the only one who could clean out all the junk and the truth was as much as I tried to leave him out He never left me, He kept knocking to be let in. and I let the Spirit of God come in and fill me and clean me out all the junk I was harboring inside he helped me clean out, He filled the empty spaces with His living water, HE purged me with His Spirit like fire and I am a new creation being made new every day.

The Holy Spirit is who you should always let into your spiritual house, into your temple always. We all have places that we wish we had control over, that we don’t think we need to let God handle or fill with His Spirit and since He is a patient God and not a forceful one He will not go anywhere HE is not invited. I can say from experience when I let Him into those dark places, everything gets better for my sake in order for me to be that earthen vessel that brings Him glory. We need the Holy Spirit to fill every part of us and continue to go to Him to be filled He is bound to change everything. A life totally surrendered is a fulfilled life by Christ that can do the impossible. We are all thirsty and we all seek to fill our spiritual houses with something. What’s in your house? What needs to be removed and purged? What spaces need to be filled with the Holy Spirit and His living water? We all are thirsty. Let us come to the well. Below is a poem that reflects on the living water of the Holy Spirit.

May the God who sees you and me bless us all as we introspect what we need Him to fill in our own lives.

Amen

“Take Me To The Well”~Angie Littlefair

Take away the distractions

The chaos around me

Let me come to the well

Where I can drink

And never be thirsty again

Take me there

Into the Presence of the King

Where He can wash

And make me clean

Where I can experience freedom

And sweet release

From the things constricting me

Take me to the place

Where I can experience healing

Take me to the well

To the healing waters

That flow straight out

From the Heart of the Father

Let me come and drink

And then let the water

Overflow out of me

Allow me to enter in

To the Father’s arms

Where He can steady my heart

With His steadfast love

Let me see Him face to face

To that place of intimacy

Where I abound in His Grace

Take me to the river

Take me to the spring

Take me to the Well Himself

So I can drink

And never thirst again

For nothing and no one

Except for Him

For truly He is all that satisfies

Take me to where I can drink

Where I can taste and see

And truly be free

Take me to the Well