What I am writing is risky for me. I’m going to shed light on something I haven’t talked about much publicly but I feel like I am being led by The Holy Spirit to say something and share this part of my Testimony.
I feel compelled to share this story because a lot of people would not have known this about me. I haven’t shared this with many people. To be honest a person going into ministry with a history of self-harm, may not look so good to a lot of people. If anything it makes a person look unstable. But All is Grace and I feel compelled to share this story and be honest because it needs to be said and it’s time to get real.
My reasoning behind why I did it was because I kept so many things inside of me and locked them down in a box, so cutting became something that I could control, because the feelings of anxiety and depression and the scars of my past as a survivor of sexual abuse, caused me to put up walls around all of the feelings that I was holding inside and not wanting anyone to see. To be honest it was exhausting, but I was so afraid to face the anxiety and depression and pain. Afraid that my emotional pain would consume me so much that I would not be able to breathe, controlling the blade was easier than having to do the hard thing and face me.
But May 25, 2013 I made a choice to stop completely. I chose to love myself and my body and decide that I worth more than a piece of metal and it would no longer have control over my life. I made the choice to stop and I surrendered all of this to God. It took sleepless nights of singing and praying to get through it all but I am here. I have overcome. And slowly the emotional boundaries have been broken and while it makes me uncomfortable I let myself feel the things I have been way too uncomfortable to feel and at the other end of that healing has occurred.
What I want to say as a person who is overcoming every day and is delivered from this behavior is this: The Church needs to be a place where addicts and cutters can come without fear, a place where they can be open about their struggles so they can overcome. The summer I decided to stop I started going to Wingate Baptist Church and it was there through the love and community of that Church that I found strength to be honest about who I was, about my struggles and the people there cared for me, loved me, and prayed for me.
I feel like there are many people in the Church today who have so many things they are carrying around and Depression and Anxiety are seen as things that are made to be the person struggling’s fault. Cutters are seen as weak, addicts are judged, when it’s not our job to judge the person struggling, it’s our job to point that person to the Deliverer, the one who died for their addiction, for their scars, for their self-hate, for their infirmities, for every person The Son of God says “come to me you who are weary and heavy burdened and I will give you rest..In me you will find rest for your souls.” Jesus breaks the chains, breaks the yokes that we are carrying, and He is the one who heals the brokenhearted.
“It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but those who are sick.”~Jesus
I overcame the Darkness by clinging to The Light of The World and I did so by prayer and going into a Church where I was loved right where I was at and given room for the Holy Spirit to work in me to free me. Freedom is possible. I now have a tattoo over my scars on my forearm and it covers my former identity as “a cutter” with the identity that God calls me and that is “Child of God” in Greek, because I think Greek is an amazingly beautiful language, but God calls me His daughter, His child. When He looks at me He doesn’t see my struggle, He doesn’t see who I used to be or my failures, He sees His Son who has redeemed me so I can be His Beloved daughter.
This is me being real I have struggled, and I still struggle with temptation sometimes when things get dark, but I am strong in Christ and He gives me peace, and a space to release what I feel inside. I am a Child of God and He walks with me through my storms.
This is me taking a risk to be real, I hope you all are blessed by my shedding light on something that needed to be said.
May the God who sees you and me bless us all,